So how long have you been actively navigating your relationships? Most people especially anyone with childhood trauma (which is everyone with varying degrees) would tell you that they have been "managing" their relationships in their own way since childhood. I think sometimes we tend to think of our romantic relationships as the only relationships that we "manage" but if you stop and take notice, you are balancing many different types of relationships everyday and every minute of the day. The one common denominator in these relationships is you. My next question is have you ever consciously been intentional in your relationships? When you are a child you tend to try to make up for the lack in our life, It is my belief this is an intention we set without knowing because it falls into a necessity for surviving. I believe most children attempt to make the adults "okay" because as a child you need the adults to be "okay" to feel secure. With my personality type I so wanted to be loved but a great deal of the time as a child I did not feel that love in the ways that I seemed to receive love best so I loved everyone else as much and as hard as I could in order to get the response I needed to feel loved. Growing up it looked like this, getting overly attached to toxic friends, being overly giving in romantic relationships and with friends and thinking that another person could fill a void that I did not understand myself. At this stage in my life I've done enough soul searching and developed a deep belief of God's love for me that I know no relationship changes my worth but can enhance my experience and the other party's experience while on this earth. That being said I believe the attention and intention that we give our relationships with friends, family, and partners is an ongoing process that needs constant care and rechecking of boundaries. Something that I've noticed with not only myself and my husband but many other couples in their mid-lives is that you can have a happy couple but because your growth levels are different you find yourself having to rediscover the person you've committed your life to. Sadly, not all couples get to explore each other's growth because before they even have the realization that their lives look very different than they did when they first started their journey, one of them if not both of them are so disconnected that either one or both of them have found their attention focused somewhere else, either on the kids, work, addiction or an outside relationship or sometimes a bit of all of this. Now I bring this up because I believe no matter where you find yourself and we all have some version of this, there is always a way to grow. In fact I like to remember it is in the trenches where the most growth occurs. You will find out very fast who you want to stand beside in a battle. I know this sounds like I'm only speaking to romantic relationships but I'm actually talking about all your relationships. By your late 30s and early 40s you have most likely figured out what real friendship is. If you have not then this is a great time to explore that and make finding a good friend a priority. I believe your mid-life is a great time to review your relationships. This is a subject that I can safely be a self professed expert in as I've explored levels of boundaries with my extended family over the years and I will be the first to tell you it is a constant process, at least for most of us. Over the years I have also made sure to keep my dear friends that are sincere in my life. These are the friends that will answer your call and show up in times of need and tell you the truth even though you may have differing opinions of what that is. These relationships tend to be easier to navigate because there is a mutual admiration and respect. Family relationships are not always this easy. My faith leads me to believe that it is more blessed to turn the other cheek than to write someone off, this does not mean I cannot have boundaries for myself and that I cannot make the hard decisions of loving someone from a distance. With this being said I would also tell you that this is mostly a painful and daunting process. This process for me has been a burden on my marriage, on my own peace, and at times even my child's peace. Oh but what great teachers they've been. This past year I've had to ask myself what my intention was with many of my family members, my husband, my child, and although the answers where varying the main answer in the hard times would have been to show God's love but now I know that the answer it is to learn. See I now know that it is in the disagreements, the deception, the grieving, the hard parts of life that we navigate with others that we see our own resilience, patience, growth, and our faith in action. This is where our humanity meets our spirituality if we are open to it. In the new year it is my hope that anyone reading this will start to ask themselves "what is my intention in this relationship?" Find the people you want to be in battle with and hope you never have to battle and if you do, know that your growth will help you to turn the other cheek when possible with the outcome being an example of God's love and grace for us all. Happy New Year!
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